So the Cubs need to find a way to raise $300 million to pay for Albert Pujols.
Here is a list of ways to raise at least some money for it:
- Introducing personal seat licenses of, oh say, $5000 a seat would raise about $125 million dollars. That would be enough to pay for about the first 4 years of Pujols's contract.
- Sell tickets to Wrigley Field during the off-season...put the vendors out there to sell beer. Maybe get Koyie Hill to go out and play catch with himself to entertain the fans. That would probably raise at least $15 million a year.
- More statues. I haven't quite figured out how they'd make money by putting more statues outside of the ballpark, but the Rickettses think it is a good idea, so it must be a good cash incentive for them.
- Peanut surcharge. Put a 1¢ tax on every peanut sold at Wrigley Field. I, alone, would probably end up contributing about $25 million if they did that.
- Stop all maintenance at Wrigley Field. The Rickettses spend about $10 million a year on keeping Wrigley from falling apart. What's the point? No one seems to care. Save that $10 million for the ten seasons of Pujols's contract and you have 1/3 of the cost taken care of.
- Defer 90% of the Pujols contract (free of interest) until 2065. By then the initial $300 million would be worth about $1.43 as the US will have to print huge amounts of currency to pay off the loans we've taken out to balance the Federal budget.
- Hell...just ask for a loan from the Chinese. It'll be no different than giving a loan to the US Government except instead of no chance of the loan ever being paid off, there would be a very slight chance the Rickettses would pay it off.
- Alfonso Soriano meets with an unfortunate accident. Four years, $18 million per year remaining on the contract...poof!
- Sell the team to Oprah. She eats marinated $100 bills for breakfast every morning. She can afford him.
- Ask the state for the money. This is a much more worth while cause than fixing up some stupid stadium. Besides, Pujols will have to pay income and sales tax is he plays in Illinois. That's a win-win right there!
- If you're a celebrity and you want to promote your new movie by singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"? Fine...it'll cost $500k. Thanks...now sing away!
- Ask Joe Ricketts. "Um...daddy, can we have, like, oh...$300 million more? We really really really need it. It will be well worth the investment."
- Ask the Cardinals. The Cardinals should be overjoyed if the Cubs sign Pujols for $30 million a year as the Cubs will have no money to spend on anyone else. I bet the Cardinals would pitch in $5 million a year just so the Cubs sign him for the entire 10 years.
- Start drilling for oil underneath Wrigley Field.
- Raise ticket prices 50%.
I'm sure there are some other clever ideas out there...but these are a few that could be used if the Ricketts family decides to make a stab at signing the best player in the game.
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| Still not going to happen. |
