Wednesday, February 16, 2011

How to raise money to pay for Albert Pujols!

Thanks to @NotTomRicketts on Twitter for this excellent idea...

So the Cubs need to find a way to raise $300 million to pay for Albert Pujols.

Here is a list of ways to raise at least some money for it:

- Introducing personal seat licenses of, oh say, $5000 a seat would raise about $125 million dollars. That would be enough to pay for about the first 4 years of Pujols's contract.

- Sell tickets to Wrigley Field during the off-season...put the vendors out there to sell beer. Maybe get Koyie Hill to go out and play catch with himself to entertain the fans. That would probably raise at least $15 million a year.

- More statues. I haven't quite figured out how they'd make money by putting more statues outside of the ballpark, but the Rickettses think it is a good idea, so it must be a good cash incentive for them.

- Peanut surcharge. Put a 1¢ tax on every peanut sold at Wrigley Field. I, alone, would probably end up contributing about $25 million if they did that.

- Stop all maintenance at Wrigley Field. The Rickettses spend about $10 million a year on keeping Wrigley from falling apart. What's the point? No one seems to care. Save that $10 million for the ten seasons of Pujols's contract and you have 1/3 of the cost taken care of.

- Defer 90% of the Pujols contract (free of interest) until 2065. By then the initial $300 million would be worth about $1.43 as the US will have to print huge amounts of currency to pay off the loans we've taken out to balance the Federal budget.

- Hell...just ask for a loan from the Chinese. It'll be no different than giving a loan to the US Government except instead of no chance of the loan ever being paid off, there would be a very slight chance the Rickettses would pay it off.

- Alfonso Soriano meets with an unfortunate accident. Four years, $18 million per year remaining on the contract...poof!

- Sell the team to Oprah. She eats marinated $100 bills for breakfast every morning. She can afford him.

- Ask the state for the money. This is a much more worth while cause than fixing up some stupid stadium. Besides, Pujols will have to pay income and sales tax is he plays in Illinois. That's a win-win right there!

- If you're a celebrity and you want to promote your new movie by singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"?'ll cost $500k. sing away!

- Ask Joe Ricketts. "Um...daddy, can we have, like, oh...$300 million more? We really really really need it. It will be well worth the investment."

- Ask the Cardinals. The Cardinals should be overjoyed if the Cubs sign Pujols for $30 million a year as the Cubs will have no money to spend on anyone else. I bet the Cardinals would pitch in $5 million a year just so the Cubs sign him for the entire 10 years.

- Start drilling for oil underneath Wrigley Field.

- Raise ticket prices 50%.

I'm sure there are some other clever ideas out there...but these are a few that could be used if the Ricketts family decides to make a stab at signing the best player in the game.

Still not going to happen.