Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Behind the scenes at the organizational meetings

The Cubs organizational meetings begin today.

I’m not sure anyone truly knows everything that goes on at these meetings...until now!

I just happened to get a transcript of the first meetings there were held today.

In the room was Crane Kenney, Jim Hendry, Todd Ricketts, Laura Ricketts and Tom Ricketts (Pete is in Florida on holiday).

Crane: “First order of business, this Mesa vote thing. Let’s assume the voters in Mesa do what we all know needs to be done and throw the White Sox out of Arizona and allow us to take over their spring training facility…so what then?”

Tom: “Um…no…Crane, they’re voting on allowing the city to fund a new spring training facility of our own. It will be great and it will be like our very own form of Disneyland. ”

Hendry: “Will it be near a donut shop?”

Laura: “No, Jim. There will be no donut shop near the new spring training facility.”

Hendry: “Damn!”

Crane: “Next order of business…who will be our next manager.”

Todd: “I think we should pick Ryne Sandberg. He’s cute.”

Tom: “Um…Jim has already selected us a new manager.”

Crane: “What? You never even consulted me?”

Laura: “Well, we left you a memo last week, Crane.”

Crane: “Oh, well, I haven’t been to my office in 3 months.”

Todd: “Oh…well, cool. I’m glad we have Ryno aboard, then.”

Hendry: “Um, sorry Todd. I chose Mike Quade.”

Todd: “But he’s bald!”

Tom: “So?”

Todd: “Well, isn’t Ryno pissed?”

Tom: “ Yeah, but we’re going to put a statue of him up at Wrigley next season to make him happy again. We plan to put it in left field…we figure it will play better defense than Soriano anyway.”

Crane: “Ok, well, I guess that’s settled. Next up, payroll. What will it be next season?”

Tom: “Well, the Giants just won the World Series and their payroll was $96 million this past season. I believe, in order for us to compete, we’ll make the sacrifice financially and raise our payroll to about that level this coming year, if you all are ok with that.”

Laura: “Works for me.”

Todd: “Seems a bit high.”

Jim: “Um…guys…um…we have two problems here. First, our payroll this past season was almost $50 million more than that.”

Tom: “Really? CRANE! Why don’t you tell me these things?”

Crane: “I had no idea.”

Laura: “WTF, Jim…you’re telling me we gave you $146 million last year and the best you could do was fifth place in our division?”

Tom: “Well, even so, it looks like $96 million should be enough for us to win the World Series next year, so I think we’ll just stick with that.”

Hendry: “That brings me to problem number two. Right now we are committed to paying $95 million to 9 players under contract already for next year.”

Laura: “Dammit, Jim! What the heck were you thinking? Who are we paying all that money to?”

Hendry: “Soriano, Zambrano, Dempster, Grabow, Byrd, Ramirez, Silva, Samardzija, and Kosuke.”

Tom: “Holy crap, Jim….you seriously didn’t give all those guys long extended contracts…did you?”

Hendry: “Um…no…that was the GM before me.”

Laura: “You’ve been GM for 8 years.”

Hendry: “Oh.”

Tom: “Ok…what if we say the payroll should be about $135 million…will that work?”

Hendry: “No.”

Crane: “Can I get a raise?”

Laura: “NO! Next agenda item?”

Crane: “Damn…ok…um…areas of focus for improving the ballclub.”

Todd: “We could use a new manager.”

Laura: “Todd, shut up! Sandberg will not be the manager.”

Tom: “What about first base?”

Hendry: “Micah Hoffpauir.”

Tom: “I repeat, what about first base?”

Hendry: “Xavier Nady.”

Tom: “Jim, shut up.”

Laura: “Make every effort to get Mark Grace.”

Hendry: “He’s retired. Micah Hoffpauir is looking a lot better now, doesn’t he?”

Tom: “Jim, go out and get Adam Dunn. Ok...second base.”

Hendry: “Blake DeWitt.”

Tom: “Wrong, try again.”

Hendry: “Ronnie Ced….oops…I mean Darwin Barney.”

Laura: “Good grief!”

Hendry: “I think Aaron Miles is available in free agency.”

Todd: “Ryne Sandberg?”

Tom: “All of you shut up. Go out and get Orlando Hudson. He’s not great…but he’s a lot better than any of the other crap you’ve brought in here the last 3 years.”

Laura: “What’s left on the agenda for today, Cranie?”

Crane: “Renovations and improvements to the ballpark.”

Laura: “Ok, boys…I want you to give me all your ideas here…what should we do with that old place.”

Hendry: “A donut shop would go over big.”

Crane: “How about getting rid of the old crappy scoreboard in centerfield?”

Todd: “We should have clowns, jugglers and magicians going around the ballpark to entertain the fans…to distract them from what’s going on in the field.”

Tom: “How about knocking out some more ramps and putting in more troughs to pee in.”

Laura: “You’re all idiots. Forget it…we’ll just take out some more of those concrete slabs and add bison pretzels to the concessions.”

Crane: “Is that it for today? I want to go out and get a manicure.”

Tom: “Yes. Well done everyone. I think we are finally moving in the right direction!”