Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Mike Quade: The man and the legend

So the Cubs have decided to take the ‘interim’ tag off of Mike Quade’s title as manager and give him a two year contract.

But who is this guy that the Cubs have named as manager? What do we know about him?

Well, first he was born in Evanston, Illinois and went to Prospect High School. He led a troubled childhood that landed him in a juvenile corrections facility.

When he was 18, he left the control of the state and he moved to New York (or as he like to call it, Metropolis) where he created a great crime organization. He was driven out of New York by a freelance law enforcement officer named Kal-El.
Quade was good in the movie "The French Connection" as well.
From there he moved to France and founded a new, even bigger crime organization. This organization led him to live in various exotic areas around the world including the Alps, Las Vegas, and Japan.
He looked more menacing when he was in the Alps.
After being tracked down by the British secret service (and having his beautiful volcanic home destroyed by them), Quade spent 5 years studying witchcraft in Bulgaria. While there, he learned many secrets of dark magic that we good witches and wizard would never have dreamed of.
Spoiler...Potter kicks his ass.

Yet, once again, his quest to control the world was snatched away by some little dorky kid.

That’s when the Cubs hired him to manage one of their minor league teams. This was the beginning of the Cubs taking in troubled people (ultimately ending with Milton Bradley) and the change in Quade was amazing.

Quade was very successful in the minor leagues, but his stint down there wasn’t without incident. Many people still recall the day when Quade disintegrated Bobby Brownlie after Brownlie made some smart-ass comment about Quade’s tie at dinner one night in 2006. No one has seen this former first round draft pick since.
Have you seen this boy?
In 2007, after failing to scare the crap out of Jim Hendry to hire him as manager, Quade took the position of 3rd base coach, where he handled the job with the grace of a swan.

This past season, after Lou Piniella retired, Quade took over and did a good job with the pile of crap he was handed. His strategy of making a pre-game trip to the opponent’s dugout and threatening them (and bringing up the Bobby Brownlie disappearance) helped lead the team to a 23-14 record to close out the 2010 season.

So we all bow to our new Dark Lord, and hope that he can lead us to the ultimate victory….or at the very least, bring down the do-gooders who bring safety and security to the world.

This team better win 105 games next year, my lord.