Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Quade asks Giants if series can be finished in San Francisco

The Cubs come home after their best ever 9 game road trip, and promptly decide to stop hitting.

After the game was over, Mike Quade was told the Ryne Sandberg was currently interviewing with Jim Hendry for the manager position next season. When he heard this, the Dark Lord began to panic a bit and left his office, and went over to the other side of the ballpark to talk with Giants manager Bruce Boche about moving games 2 and 3 of the series to San Francisco, where he fully expected the Cubs to continue their winning ways away from Wrigley.

After a few minutes, he returned to the interview room and was asked if this was really a good move. He replied, “You can’t win at this ballpark. Look at it. It’s a dump. It’s the reason the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1743. So the way I see it, we’ll just play on the road for the rest of the season.”

Quade seems to be taking the same view as hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo, who has talked about the challenges that Wrigley presents for the players. “We have no hitting cages near the clubhouse. And I don’t even have a place to smack around these guys with my mace. It’s obvious…we score 13 runs in Florida on Sunday…tonight, we get shut out. The players aren’t scared of the ramifications of not hitting when they are here at Wrigley.” Jaramillo then got this crazy look in his eyes, “In Florida, I beat the crap out of these slackers when they would strike out. There is just now room to do that sort of thing in this old, crappy ballpark.”

Another thing that appears obvious, this club isn’t the same without Tyler Colvin. They now haven’t won since Wellington the Vampire Killer tried to drive a wood stake through Colvin’s heart. “I think it’s pretty obvious…the six games before Colvin almost died, 6 wins…and now 0 wins since. We need this guy back,” noted Cubs future ex-backup catcher, Koyie Hill. He continued, "Stupid Wellington didn't realize that Colvin couldn't have been a vampire...he wasn't all sparkly like the ones in those awesome Twilight movies. He's a shitty catcher too."

Zambrano did pitch well again last night, but after the game he quietly went over to Andrew Cashner, who gave up the game losing homerun and calmly told him that his mother was going to beat the crap out of Cashner. Z’s mom came up from Venezuela to see her son pitch for the first time last night.

But back to Quade…when asked about the potential of losing out to Sandberg for the job next year, Quade said, “Well, let’s face it, if I win the rest of the games this season, Sandberg is going to have to take a job with the Mariners…because Jim Hendry will have no choice but to pick me…or he’ll have to deal with my wrath! And by wrath, I mean that I will go to every game next year and sit in the stands and creep everyone out.”