Tuesday, February 9, 2010

15 tips on how to deal with the sports void right now.

With the Super Bowl now over, there is a significant void in most people's lives until baseball starts.

Here are the Cubbie Doc's tips for handling this horrible nothing during this time of the year.

1.  Watch MLB Network 15 to 20 hours a day.  Greatest. Network. Ever.

2.  Get a dog.  Dogs love to run around in circles for no reason.  This will help you prepare for watching Ryan Theriot run the bases.
This dog is more like Aramis Ramirez.

3.  Search for a job.  You slackers...going to day baseball while the other 85% of the world works.  Get a job, jerks. 

4.  Setup 5 to 8 computers to prepare for single game tickets going on sale.  Try to get 12 to 15 virtual waiting rooms per machine.  You'll might have a chance to get tickets to a Wednesday afternoon game in early April against the Pirates.  (Oh...and use Firefox...not Internet Explorer.)
Firefox doesn't work on my Amiga.

5.  6 to 12 beers every night.  Not only will this work up your tolerance for when you go to the ball park this summer, but it also is a good way for you to forget that there is currently no baseball right now.  It is important for you to drink alone in this situation.  
He can't remember a thing...and that's good.

6.  Dress your kids up in baseball uniforms and have them reenact Kerry Woods' 20 strikeout game.  If you don't have any kids, well, dress up your pets. 

7.  Photoshop a picture of Scarlett Johansson in a Cubs uniform.  Seriously...she should be the Cubs ballgirl.  Why don't we have ballgirls anymore?

8.  Take a trip to Naples.  Go see what might have been.
They didn't take losing the spring training thing well.

9.  Go to church.  Pray...pray often.

10.  Go to a psychiatrist.  It helps.  Really.  It does. 
"Charlie Brown, root for someone else."

11.  Work on snappy comebacks for when Brewers fans say "Cubs suck" during the season.  "Oh yeah?  Well at least our first baseman doesn't get mistaken for Moby Dick."
"Ryan Braun is dreamy!!!"

12.  Try to get banned from ABATT.  It's more difficult to get kicked off of ABATT during the off-season...but it can still be done.

13.  Pack yourself in a box and try to get loaded onto the truck heading down to Mesa.  I think the truck leaves today...so you better get a move on.
photo by Al Podgorski

14.  Create a replica model of Wrigley Field out of Legos.  If I just had the room to do it.
Camden Yards never looked so good.

15.  Drugs.  They take away the pain.
One of these pills is bound to work.